Talkingbird123's Blog

I miss sleep.

That’s my life, a lack of sleep.

It’s amazing to me how much time has gone by, and how much I’ve grown. I think if you saw me now, you wouldn’t recognize me. My face is thinner, and I’m older. My hair shorter, and darker. My body is curvier, and you can tell I’m a woman. I was just a girl then I tell myself, and I didn’t know any better. To see you use to hurt so much, but I can honestly say I haven’t thought about you in ages. And although you may come up in conversation, the increased heart palpitations don’t follow your name, and I don’t stumble on the sounds of your name, they just flow out. And I wonder what you think now after all this time, not cause I still care, but because my damn curiosity gets the best of me.  I don’t wonder how you’re doing, cause I’m sure you’re doing fine, and one day I’ll just walk on by, and maybe I’ll now what you think, but today, I just know what I think. I think you were a mistake in many ways, something that made me become something I’m not, and I’ve been finding myself ever since. And now I’m sure that if our paths ever cross, I’m not afraid to face you, or look you in the eye cause I’m not that girl you knew. I’m a woman, or closest enough to be sure of who I am, and what I’m worth. I don’t think you ever really saw me, or knew me, I think you just thought of me as a consolation prize. After years of trying to knock over the milk glasses with a baseball, you finally found a carnival game where you’d always win, and with me you always did. A glimpse of that giant stuffed bear, and an opportunity to throw the ball left me in the dirt.

I’ve always wanted to thank you for that, thanks for letting me get dirty, and have my face in mud. I’ve grown from it so much, and while I’ve change and become someone, you’ve stayed the same, and are no one. And I wonder if that thought ever crosses your mind when you’re out there on your own.

Numbness only lasts so long until the pain wears out.

So I haven’t written in ages, and I feel very motivated to express some realizations of the past month. I think that I need to be more confident in who I am and what I am about. I have pretty strong convictions, and I’m not afraid to do what I believe in, I just wish I believed more in myself.

Our greatest tragedies lie within ourselves, but also our greatest strengths. I feel very lucky to have realized this, and to know that we can make the best.

I’m not perfect, and I shouldn’t pretend to be. My flaws are what make me, and I can work with those flaws.